Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Shortage of Virgins

News flash from Great Britian:


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway.”

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to Paradise.


  1. It is no surprise to me that Osama resides in the Midlands. I have suspected that all along. And he'll be living off benefits too.

  2. I lived in Tipton, West Midlands for 10 years, The Tipton Harriers are one of the best Road Running, Cross Country, Athletic clubs in Europe, and also they had three residents in Gitmo. Funny old world.

  3. Mo, Holte... apparently you guys lived next door to the Osama himself and didn't know it. Wouldn't be at all suprised if the establishment shows up at your door one day looking for identification. If that happens, it's a good shot that Mo will be living in Gitmo with the rest of the Harriers who, obviously, weren't fast enough. Sorry Mo. No virgins for you. Just a ragtag bevy of bar whores.

  4. Thank you for adding that most necessary bit of humor to a day full of terrible news. And it's true, no one ever promised a THING about what the virgins would look like. Hmmmm...that would be one hell of a joke from the Big Man Upstairs.

  5. Mad Woman... oh but that the genius was mine.

    Gropius... bad news indeed. I've deliberately tuned it out because I already know what it is. Glad I made you laugh.

  6. I think they need better representation at the bargaining table. They pay all those union dues only to have their benefits cut? That just ain't right.

  7. Paradise could be getting a little crowded, I mean 60 Susan Boyles for each bomber is going to take up some major room.

  8. WM... seems there should a least be a corresponding decrease in dues. Instead of blowing yourself up and losing a life, maybe they could just give up an arm or leg.

    Tex... their loss is our gain.

  9. Mr. C, honey you crack me up and make me cringe all in the same YIKES.

    Good man.

  10. FLASH - BULLETIN Just posted on revolutionmuslim.com this morning is a statement that Mr Charleston of Baja Georgia has joined the ranks with the Comedy Central program, South Park, as having insulted Muslim Virgins everywhere and by extension Allah himself.

    When contacted, the authors of the post insisted that this was not a threat, but that it should be kept in mind that there are many believers out there who own butcher knives...and know where Baja Georgia is.

  11. While this should be taken with a pinch of salt until you can confirm it through your own research, I believe that the RC Church’s treatment of suicide as a ‘mortal sin’ was influenced by the willingness (particularly in the early church) of Christians to martyr themselves, regarding it as a surefire way of ensuring entrance to heaven. I should stress that this wasn’t the principle reason, but I understand it was an influence. There comes a point where your adherents can be so enthusiastic that you run a risk of running out of them.

  12. And all this time I thought they were looking for male virgins - I must have been confused on account of the Catholics.
    Thank you for clearing up this matter.


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