Enough Is Enough

We, as a nation, finally got fed up with smokers polluting the environment and driving health care costs through the roof, and did something about it. The next target should be fat-ass, tubs-of-lard who impose themselves upon people in every public place and whose collective health problems threaten to bankrupt the system.

An illustrative news item:

MSNBC passes along this picture of a slightlyawkward situation on an American Airlines flight.

Originally reported by Kieran Daly at airline blogFlightGlobal.com, the picture was supposedly taken by a worried flight attendant who wanted to ensure that the seating arrangement didn't compromise the safety of the other passengers.

Here's FlightGlobal:

"This is sent to me with the absolute assurance that it's a genuine picture taken by a flight attendant at American Airlines. The F/A took it to show her manager what was happening on the aircraft (757???) and why she was unhappy about it. Seems the guy paid for only one seat and the gate staff let him board."

As we pointed out earier this year, some airlines are now requiring obese passengers to buy more than one seat. Last year United Airlines had received "more than 700 complaints last year from passengers 'who did not have a comfortable flight because the person next to them infringed on their seat,' an airline spokesman said."

I know it's politically incorrect to target fat-asses and their self-destructive behavior and, frankly, I don't give a damn what they do to themselves so long as it doesn't infringe on others. But when it does infringe on others, as it often does these days... everything from airline seats to seats at performances and movie theaters and restaurants to even walking down the aisles of a supermarket... then it's time we, as a collective, do something about it.

A Fat-Ass Tax! Require the purchase of "at least" two tickets to any public arena and public transportation; special, more expensive seating at restaurants; more expensive health insurance and even special rules requiring them to cover up their ugly asses at public beaches.

Now, I'm sure many of you will argue that obesity is an affliction, that they can't help it, and that they need help, not derision. I don't buy it. It's a matter of self-control.

Almost without exception, obese fat-asses are the way they are because they constantly stuff their faces. You don't see this problem in countries where food is a premium, or in more enlightened countries where gluttony is a sin. No, it's almost exclusively confined to the good ole consume it all, do it all, more is better, U-S-of-A.

When it boils right down to it, obesity is a sin.

A Russian Funny

The Devil Made Me Do It - Part II

Don't you just love it when squeaky-clean celebrities get their dicks caught in a wringer? It's one of my favorite entertainments. Especially if it's holier-than-thou assholes like preachers and politicians.

But now and then along comes someone like Tiger Woods. Whooopie! I say. What great fodder.

Andy Borowitz, over at the Huffpost, has the latest and greatest and here's his report:

"ORLANDO (BorowitzReport.com): The Borowitz Report has obtained the first draft of Tiger Woods' official statement regarding his recent woes:

To my fans:

I am writing to set the record straight about a number of rumors that have been spread about me, my actions, and my character.

Prior to last weekend, many of you knew me as a straight-arrow, a solid citizen, and a squeaky-clean sportsman with an unblemished record of exemplary behavior.

In point of fact, however, the Tiger Woods you thought you knew is actually a nonstop fucking machine.

Now, when I say "nonstop," I'm not using a figure of speech. In fact, if you took a cross-section of my brain, you'd see that half of it was devoted to golf and the other half to nailing slutty nightclub hostesses. And the second half is by far the bigger half.

I don't want to exaggerate, but if you have a vagina and I somehow haven't found it yet, that's what Malcolm Gladwell would call an outlier..."

Now, this whole thing is getting quite confusing and Mr. Charleston feels an obligation to help you sort it out.

After reviewing the following, I request that you help out by giving me your take on it, or at least, which wife/girlfriend/friend you would be most likely to stupp were you a non-stop fucking machine. ("All of them" is an acceptable answer.)

On the one hand, Tiger's got his beautiful wife, Elin Nordigrin, who also happens to be the mother of his children, or at least one of them.

Then you've got Rachel Uchitel who is some kind of marketing person (apparently quite capable of marketing herself).

Next comes Jaimee Grubbs, an itenerate bar manager and cocktail waitress who claims a nearly 3-year bang with the banger.

Then there's Kalika Moquin, who is one of those international "model" types. ('Model' is one of those hazy occupations usually claimed by unemployed bimbos who don't want to say 'pole dancer'.)

And finally, we hope, is.... Meredith Walusek, a local Orlando disk jockey. WTF?

I guess the whole thing was best summed up by the Rev. Jessie Jackson who was heard to mumble, "That nigger gits more white meat than a Baptist preacher."

So there you have it folks. Don't forget to vote for your favorite.

The Devil Made Me Do It

Most of us plod through life burdened by a mantel of guilt. Guilt of sins we have committed and guilt of things we have left undone. Oh, the weight of it all hangs so heavily upon our tired, aching shoulders.

But Wait! There is hope! In his never ceasing quest to lift the burdens of mankind and shine a light unto the darkness, Mr. Charleston has discovered something of great import to his long suffering blogospherian comrades.

It turns out that your proclivity for sin depends on where you live.

Recently, a team at Kansas State University served up a feast: maps of the 7 Deadly Sins created by plotting per-capita stats on things like theft (envy) and STDs (lust). Christian clergy, likely noting the Bible Belt's status as Wrath Central, question the "science" behind this study, but who are they, charlatans and pedophiles, to question the veracity of such a noble institution?

Below, color coded for your convenience, are the areas of the country infested by a particular sin. If you live in one of these areas, you may well consider moving. Moving either to an area less infected by that particular sin, or moving to an area with a concentration of sin more to your liking. Either way, you can rest, assured of the fact that responsibility for you sins, weakling though you may be, does not fall entirely on your shoulders.

Greed

Average income compared with number of people living below the poverty line.

Envy

Total thefts (robbery, burglary, larceny, and grand theft auto) per capita.

Wrath

Number of violent crimes (murder, assault, and rape) per capita.

Sloth

Expenditures on art, entertainment, and recreation compared with employment.

Gluttony

Number of fast-food restaurants per capita.

Lust

Number of STD cases reported per capita.

Pride

Aggregate of the other six offenses—because pride is the root of all sin.

So there you have it fellow travelers. Do with it what you will.