The Devil Made Me Do It - Part II

Don't you just love it when squeaky-clean celebrities get their dicks caught in a wringer? It's one of my favorite entertainments. Especially if it's holier-than-thou assholes like preachers and politicians.

But now and then along comes someone like Tiger Woods. Whooopie! I say. What great fodder.

Andy Borowitz, over at the Huffpost, has the latest and greatest and here's his report:

"ORLANDO (BorowitzReport.com): The Borowitz Report has obtained the first draft of Tiger Woods' official statement regarding his recent woes:

To my fans:

I am writing to set the record straight about a number of rumors that have been spread about me, my actions, and my character.

Prior to last weekend, many of you knew me as a straight-arrow, a solid citizen, and a squeaky-clean sportsman with an unblemished record of exemplary behavior.

In point of fact, however, the Tiger Woods you thought you knew is actually a nonstop fucking machine.

Now, when I say "nonstop," I'm not using a figure of speech. In fact, if you took a cross-section of my brain, you'd see that half of it was devoted to golf and the other half to nailing slutty nightclub hostesses. And the second half is by far the bigger half.

I don't want to exaggerate, but if you have a vagina and I somehow haven't found it yet, that's what Malcolm Gladwell would call an outlier..."

Now, this whole thing is getting quite confusing and Mr. Charleston feels an obligation to help you sort it out.

After reviewing the following, I request that you help out by giving me your take on it, or at least, which wife/girlfriend/friend you would be most likely to stupp were you a non-stop fucking machine. ("All of them" is an acceptable answer.)

On the one hand, Tiger's got his beautiful wife, Elin Nordigrin, who also happens to be the mother of his children, or at least one of them.

Then you've got Rachel Uchitel who is some kind of marketing person (apparently quite capable of marketing herself).

Next comes Jaimee Grubbs, an itenerate bar manager and cocktail waitress who claims a nearly 3-year bang with the banger.

Then there's Kalika Moquin, who is one of those international "model" types. ('Model' is one of those hazy occupations usually claimed by unemployed bimbos who don't want to say 'pole dancer'.)

And finally, we hope, is.... Meredith Walusek, a local Orlando disk jockey. WTF?

I guess the whole thing was best summed up by the Rev. Jessie Jackson who was heard to mumble, "That nigger gits more white meat than a Baptist preacher." So there you have it folks. Don't forget to vote for your favorite.