Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Devil Made Me Do It - Part II

Don't you just love it when squeaky-clean celebrities get their dicks caught in a wringer? It's one of my favorite entertainments. Especially if it's holier-than-thou assholes like preachers and politicians.
But now and then along comes someone like Tiger Woods. Whooopie! I say. What great fodder.
Andy Borowitz, over at the Huffpost, has the latest and greatest and here's his report:
"ORLANDO ( The Borowitz Report has obtained the first draft of Tiger Woods' official statement regarding his recent woes:
To my fans:
I am writing to set the record straight about a number of rumors that have been spread about me, my actions, and my character.
Prior to last weekend, many of you knew me as a straight-arrow, a solid citizen, and a squeaky-clean sportsman with an unblemished record of exemplary behavior.
In point of fact, however, the Tiger Woods you thought you knew is actually a nonstop fucking machine.
Now, when I say "nonstop," I'm not using a figure of speech. In fact, if you took a cross-section of my brain, you'd see that half of it was devoted to golf and the other half to nailing slutty nightclub hostesses. And the second half is by far the bigger half.
I don't want to exaggerate, but if you have a vagina and I somehow haven't found it yet, that's what Malcolm Gladwell would call an outlier..."
Now, this whole thing is getting quite confusing and Mr. Charleston feels an obligation to help you sort it out.
After reviewing the following, I request that you help out by giving me your take on it, or at least, which wife/girlfriend/friend you would be most likely to stupp were you a non-stop fucking machine. ("All of them" is an acceptable answer.)
On the one hand, Tiger's got his beautiful wife, Elin Nordigrin, who also happens to be the mother of his children, or at least one of them.
Then you've got Rachel Uchitel who is some kind of marketing person (apparently quite capable of marketing herself).
Next comes Jaimee Grubbs, an itenerate bar manager and cocktail waitress who claims a nearly 3-year bang with the banger.
Then there's Kalika Moquin, who is one of those international "model" types. ('Model' is one of those hazy occupations usually claimed by unemployed bimbos who don't want to say 'pole dancer'.)
And finally, we hope, is.... Meredith Walusek, a local Orlando disk jockey. WTF?
I guess the whole thing was best summed up by the Rev. Jessie Jackson who was heard to mumble, "That nigger gits more white meat than a Baptist preacher." So there you have it folks. Don't forget to vote for your favorite.


  1. He couldn't be satisfied with being one of the most famous people in the world, he had to make a play for being the most ridiculed. I am scrambling like crazy to be the first person to write a "Hole In One" joke. Probably too late.

  2. Hate to tell you this Holte, but Leno beat you to it. However, we bloggers would still like to hear one.

  3. He's married to that annoying actress from Another Date Movie? Was that a "real" letter? i have to go check it out - hysterical. if it's real i have to give Tiger street cred for his cojones. (Or is Tiger really a pussy - out there still trying to backpedal?)(lol - i crack myself up )One of my favorite movie lines that's isnt an insult chucked at people who can't defend themselves, is from Jerry McGuire: The football player (Cuba Gooding Jr) at the end of the movie, making a commerical - "Don't believe your own hype" - too bad we, as a collective society, set famous people up to be perfect, then dash them to pieces when they prove themselves to be - alas - human just as we....

  4. Mr C~ Is there some fashion-y thing going on where women with varying degrees of cup size wear a bra/bathing suit top exactly three cup sizes smaller than they should?


    Lastly I would like to say that wearing Tiger's semen in your hair is the new "it" accessory for 2010.

  5. SurveyGirl! Now I can find you at two sites. Great. Borowitz is a comedian who blogs at HuffPost. And, I must say I'm somewhat surprised that you would feel sorry for celebrities being dashed to pieces, I thought that's exactly the kind of thing Todd and Lisa would get into. Personally, I have no problem with celebrities catching it. If you're going to bask in the spotlight and reap the rewards, you better not get caught jerking off.

  6. You're asking the wrong guy that question JenJen. Can't say that it's ever bothered me. As to the second element, no comment.

  7. I’m afraid that, not being into sport, Tiger Woods was just a name to me – I wasn’t aware that he had had a ‘clean’ image. I do, however, like to hear such announcements as “Jonathan Aitken [high-ranking Conservative Member of Parliament and potential future prime minister] jailed for perjury.” We often have politicians being rapped on the knuckles, but it’s a special bonus to have them jailed.

    And in answer to your question (and despite JenJen’s comment), I think Jaimee Grubbs looks rather fetching.

  8. i dont feel sorry for him but i'm not sure he should be an object of such ridicule. most of us would behave just like him, given half a chance

    and his taste is exceptionally boring

  9. No comment? NO COMMENT? Mr. C....
    *sniff* don't make a girl cry!

  10. Kylie, the guy is obviously a serial cheater with no regard for his marital vows. If he isn't deserving of ridicule, who is?
    JenJen!! OK, OK, I guess you're just a cum in your hair kind of girl. Let's see, where exactly is it on the map (previous post)that you live?

  11. What Tiger Woods had sex with someone other than his wife?


    much love

  12. All right. I deserved that. Next time you say no comment, I'll know not to push you.

    sheesh...cum in the hair kinda girl...
    Girlie noises...EW EW.

    Everyone knows it's better for the complexion.


  13. JenJen... LOL! It worked in There's Something About Mary.

  14. That first pic goes with my guess as to why he didn't want to talk to the cops. I wonder, before a big tournament, do they kiss his balls for luck?

  15. The wife- I'm thinkin' while clearly the most attractive, is probably as frozen as her homeland in the sack.

    The others all have similar "dirty whore,you can put it anywhere" looks to them. You would think a billionaire could do much better, not that they're ugly, just low grade ho-bags.

    Still, they're all better than the trailer trash Josh Duhamel banged and sexted!

  16. Texlahoma... yes, kissing balls before a tournament is a long PGA tradition.
    Heidi... she sort of struck me as a frozen bitch as well. Most of those anorexic "successful" type blondes are. So I guess that leaves trailer trash and hoes, as "nice" girls aren't usually out looking to sack a billionaire.

  17. His wife is beautiful but I've always gotten the impression that she's a little cold but you never know.

    The other women, I'm sure they are not the only ones. I'm sure women throw themselves at him daily just like they do all athletes and rock stars. I'm sure after a while it gets hard to say no to the temptation.

    It will be interesting to see how this all plays out.

  18. To Holte, that would be a hole in 18. Roughly.

  19. Me thinks the Mr C doth protest overly much. My vote neither...I am too busy with my own life to where someone elses dick is going.

  20. I always get the sense that men who have beautiful, succesful wives and cheat on them are looking for something messier, dirtier, perhaps...

    A guy friend once admitted that sex with, say, nightclub hostesses that aren't at the top of their game ends up more intense and gratifying than sex with the perfect, commited woman...that he could let his guard down completley, and would probably seek out that type of person even if he married Ms. Perfect...

    I don't approve, but it's food for thought.

  21. WM... no protest. Fun at someone else's expense.
    Hannah... I suppose that's true. Probably just the excitement of the chase.

  22. Mr. C you seem to have some randi readers.
    If I tip my hand you'll call me names.
    If I don't find the girls over the top you will call me names.
    If i don't comment you'll call me names.
    Well, They often call me speedo...

  23. Punch, what kind of a shithead are you? No, no, just kidding Earl. But I find it hard to believe you would shy away from randi readers.
    Dr... that picture pretty well sums it up. Thanks for stopping by.


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