Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Turkey Day Advice - for Men

(First- go to video and hit stop. We’ll get to that later)

OK men, listen up. In a past blog, Termites of Sin promised to search the world over for goodly advice and commodities of use for us men folk. With the holiday season upon us, Mr. Charleston has something to share that will, no doubt, stand you in good stead for the entire season.

I know the holiday season is always a trying one for you, just as it is for me. In my case, assigned menial tasks while my opinions about how things should be done are ignored, all the while being chastised for not being more helpful. I long ago figured out that I was going to be in trouble no matter what I did, so I might as well enjoy myself with copious helpings of egg nogg and rum along the way. It seems to have worked as now, come the evening of the festivities, the women folk pretty much leave me alone as I’m mostly useless anyway. Makes for a very pleasant evening.

But to the business at hand. First, a helpful hint for conversation around the festive table. This little knol of knowledge is certain to cement your place as head of the household and master of all.

Your guests (and hopefully family too) will be astounded to learn that the very first Thanksgiving feast on this continent had nothing to do with Pilgrims or turkeys, although it did involve Indians, in this case, the Tejas. On May 23, 1541, at Palo Duro Canyon in Texas, Francisco Vasques de Coronado and a group of Tejas Indians celebrated his expedition’s discovery of… food! There is no record of the menu, but is believed to have involved cactus, beans, and a Road Runner.

A “second” Thanksgiving took place over twenty years later, on September 8, 1565, after Pedro Menendez de Aviles landed in Florida and founded the settlement of St. Augustine. He and his 2,000 men are believed to have shared a feast with the Timucuan Indians before attacking the nearby French colony of Fort Caroline where they slaughtered everyone—men, women and children—and hung the dead from trees.

To quote George Carlin from the previous post, “My God’s got a bigger dick than your God.” Although, in this case, it was the same god, different hat.

The Thanksgiving that we celebrate today, held at Plymouth Colony in 1621, only became a holiday when Franklin Roosevelt passed a bill in 1941 establishing the fourth Thursday in November as the official national holiday.

Now that you've wowed them with your brilliance, you can now impress them with your sensitivity. The next bit of good information is contained in the video below.

Every man should know something about how to cook a turkey. Not that you are expected to, nor even allowed to touch it, but occasional knowledgeable comments about the preparations, etc. will make the women folk feel good knowing that you appreciate their skills. Particular attention should be paid to the vocalizations as repeating these in the kitchen while preperations are underway will prove, without doubt, that you are indeed, a Masterbaster and deserving of respect.



  1. Mr. Charleston where ever did you find this? It looks just like my house on Thursday morning minus the addition of a few mimosas or bloody mary's to get the party started. Got a big spread going on here. I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving. I'm thankful to have found your friendship this year via blogland.

  2. What on earth possessed to search for turkey porn, wait, don't answer that.

    I used to be pretty useless on turkey day around our house, until I wondered out loud, "I like to try grilling a turkey on my super Weber." Biggest mistake I ever made. Now I have a job that last for hours. It does taste good though.

  3. Peach... you're a sweetheart. The delight has been mutual. Holte... lol, actually, the turkey porn found me whilst I was surfing around. I'll be thinking about you as I enjoy my egg nogg.

  4. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. In one of those 'er $20 jobs you get at the supermarket. One hour per pound, light it up and watch a little tv, drink a bit of wine, get ready for bed, stoke it up again, go to bed, get up to pee, go out and stoke it up again, replace the water (the trick to keep it moist) go back to bed, wake up when you feel like it go into the kitchen and join the crowd, they already have the coffee on. Enjoy.
    Flavor to taste.

  5. I'm with Punch on this one. I haven't had a smoke in 9 years and I think I need one after that show. I knew those Butterball ladies were a saucy bunch.


  6. Holy Hell...damn...and some other non-ladylike words...

  7. Hmm. Now I feel like giving some random bird a damned good stuffing.....

  8. Seeing as the wife has banned me from the kitchen for the past few years on a daily basis I see no reason to try to start a new tradition now. Where is the nog and rum old man? Let s sit together and commiserate out of harms way.

  9. "Every man should know something about how to cook a turkey"

    I'm so glad I've got you to set me on the straight and narrow. I was going about my life determined not to ever know anything about this but you've set me straight and now I'm sorted...

  10. Punch... smoke 'em if you got 'em? We are talking turkey here, right? Although, like Joshua, either way's OK with me.

  11. JenJen... suggest you and Matthew avoid each other or you'll have more material than you bargained for.

    Walking Man... I'm with you brother.

    Glad to be of service Mo. Like I said, you don't have to actually touch the bird, just some encouraging comments, like, "Oh, you rub that thang so good baby." Makes the women feel so appreciated.

  12. All of which goes to prove that it's not the size of the drumstick that counts.

  13. So much for Thanksgiving being a family holiday...(Whipped potatoes, anyone?)

    Enjoy your bird, Mr. C, however it's prepared.

  14. I want some egg, or some turkey trot punch!


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