Time for a laugh

In the "It's the early bird that gets the worm, but the second mouse that gets the cheese" department, a few witticisms to, hopefully, make you smile.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. And finally… Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.