Friday, April 27, 2012

Put your head between your legs and kiss your... well, you know.

When someone close to me who is my age passes it always makes me consider my own mortality.  I'm not a morbid person by any means, but from time to time as we grow older, we all have to take a look at how many years we can expect to have left in this world.  But then, when I look back across my life I remember a time when I was made to believe that my demise could and would happen at any moment, because at any moment the Evil Empire could lay The Big One on us!!  The Atom Bomb!

You remember the atom bomb?  You know, the one that was going to blow us all to hell but you would be okay if you simply hid under your desk?  Yeah, that one.

Well fear not, for the other night while searching for other things I came across a survivalist supply company who have got you covered.  They have survival packages for every occasion.  Weekend.  Three days.  Five days.  Weeks.  Months.  Natural disaster, civil disorder and... the Atom Bomb!  They have instructions on how to build your own survival bunker.  In a field.  In your back yard.  In your basement.  In your hall closet.  If you will only follow their instructions and, buy their products, you are virtually guaranteed to be the only one on your block to emerge following the great knockout where you will then be willing and able to rebirth mankind in your own image.

Looking at this stuff reminded me of the bomb shelter craze of the 50's.  But I have learned that the bomb shelter industry is still very much alive and well and in full gear today.   Apparently people are so worried about surviving the Sword of Damocles that they are diligently digging holes, fortifying their basements, insulating their closets, and stocking them to the rafters with survival packs like the one above.  I can only guess about arms and ammunition.  

It's no wonder the military and law enforcement complexes are so powerful and well funded, they've got us all scared to death.  We'll pay you anything, just keep those bad guys away.  Lump in a bunch of Hollywood Apocalypse flicks and it's no wonder we're all paranoid schizos.   And I'm not even going to talk about the doomsday pharmaceutical industry.  JESUS SAVE US!

One thing unanimous amongst all the survivalist gearheads is this, you have got to plan ahead if you expect to survive the Big One.  No lilly-livered airheads are gonna make it.  No-sirree.  And to help out even more, they have even provided us with a Survivalist Creed:

The Survivalist Creed:  "The well prepared are under no obligation to endanger their own survival to assist those who have refused, for whatever reasons, to provide for their own welfare.  Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

"Come down from your Ivory Tower and face the real world," they elaborate.  "Find out about day-to-day survival and long-term survivalism.  There is so much happening in our world today, what with the Stock Market fluctuations, the Elections, Terrorism... we need all the help we can get!"

The Stock Market!  Elections!  Holy crap!  What are we to do?

Worry not my liberal slackards for in an act of selfless humanitarianism and compassion, Mr. Charleston has done the research for you and produced a short film that will tell you point-by-point all you will need to survive the Big One.  Grab a pencil and pay attention.


  1. If I hide under my desk will that save me from the stock market?

  2. Despite the doomsday stories I have written I'm generally an optimistic guy. My hope is that people will eventually realize that our behaviors endanger our children and take the proper steps to correct it. Naive? Maybe but survival is encoded in our DNA and I hope that it will override the stupidity of a few.

    On the other hand, if a group of people make themselves believe doomsday is going to happen they will find a way to bring it on. My nagging concern revolves around the idea that my optimism might endanger my children. Its a strange paradox.

  3. I'm ready for doomsday..I have a case of Dublin Dr Pepper.

  4. I still feel pretty much the same now as I did in the '50s when magazines ran ads for build-it-yourself bomb shelters. Then, I couldn't stomach the thought of surviving a nuclear attack if it meant not letting other people in so they could survive, too. And now, well, if there's enough hatred and insanity in the world to make mass destruction a viable option? I'd just as soon kiss my keister good-bye. Besides, I'm too old to do any of that re-populating stuff.

  5. The hoarding should begin real soon. Let's see...toilet paper, gasoline, beer....

  6. I'm planning to hide out in the woods. I'll have my little desk from grade school with me -- yes, I've kept it all these decades -- and I'll hide under it if we get nuked. For all other protection, I'll be surrounded by a few of those booby traps we've all seen in bad movies. A would-be attacker gets within half a mile of my hideout, and the next thing he knows he's dangling by one ankle fifty feet up. I'm prepared for anything and everything.

  7. I'll be in the line with the lily-livered airheads. My backpack will have some red wine and chocolate in it.

  8. Oh man you are so two years ago I am not worried about the apocalypse as much as i am worried about these assholes who are teaching their 7 year old children to shoot to kill and giving them full access to semi automatic guns.

    As for surviving the day of doom, I live in Detroit and if I can survive this shit I can survive anything. Except shopping at Wal-Mart

  9. Well Mr. C. I feel I must introduce myself to your readers. Some may know me and some may not, they are the lucky ones.
    Scared Folks of the world Please allow me to introduce myself I am not a man of wealth or taste, yet fear not for I am with you.

    When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you."
    After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord.
    Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you."
    When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit.
    If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained."
    But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came.
    So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe."

    So it begins:
    Mo.S; your desk will not save you. Your Desk is the reason you believed in the Stock Market. When we bailed out the Stock Market should that have be call StockAid?

    Beach Bum: you name belies you. When I watch and See what is going on I must hang my head in shame. You are correct about the people praying for rain.

    YellowDog: I have never been to Dublin, now might be a good time.

    SusanF: about the re-populating stuff, if you can’t re-pop and I don’t want to re-pop maybe you and I can get together in a sorta non-re-pop union thing for the week-end.

    Jono: let the hoarding begin, Beer, Whisky, misc. booze and mixers, contraband, porn…

    TomH: I like the idea of hiding in the woods but I sorta had a different Boobie in mind for the trap.

    PixelP: I’ve lined up a red wagon with a case of red and a case of white, good to go. I talked to Willie Wonka last evening and he is in for our expedition.

  10. All that was needed here, acc. to the UJ government of the time, was: take a door of its hinges, lean it against a table, crawl under and wait for the light to come back on.
    Honestly, no kidding.

    How stupid we were, would anyone really want to survive? I'll join the one with the case of red and the case of white; I'll even bring my own loo paper.


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