Never Give A Sucker An Even Break

I have always admired people who are creative enough to pull off a good practical joke. And I never cease to be amazed by how gullible most people are, including myself.

People are so fascinated by monsters I believe we could balance the national budget by charging admission to the "Secret Alien Space Ship Center" somewhere in the Arizona desert. My favorite deception was pulled off by Oscar Hammerstein, Sr. This story comes from a Will Rogers biography, himself no slouch when it comes to tricks, and is true. Over a number of years Hammerstein owned a series of night clubs in New York. In one, he placed a goldfish bowl full of water on a table and charged people $1 to see the Invisible Fish. Believe It Or Not, hundreds of people paid their $1 to see the fish that wasn't there. But here's the real story... Hammerstein thought it would be a good idea during the summer to open a roof-top night club. He thought it would be much cooler up there and as a result, the place would be a hit. He was already heavily invested in the club before he realized that it was actually hotter on the roof than in the street. He knew people would quickly figure that out and he would lose his shirt. His solution? He heated the elevator. That way, people experienced great relief when they stepped out into the "cool" rooftop club. The club was a hit. But my favorite practical joke was played on someone where I used to work. It was really clever, and funny as hell. At the time, I was working for the local public television station which was housed in an old building that was once an automobile dealership. This was back in the days when public television was still primarily inhabited by media outlaws. Needing new digs, the station launched a big capital campaign to build new studios on the riverfront, at the site of some old oil storage tanks. Everything was going just fine, the money was being raised, plans drawn, construction about to begin. The station’s photographer was a big, teddy-bear of a man who loved to gossip and was always poking his nose into other people's business. We called him Mother Foto. Foto was an overweight vegetarian. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who got fat by eating vegetarian junk food. Stuff like baked potatoes smothered in butter, sour cream and cheese, fried cheese sticks, french fries and the like.

Somehow, one of the guys at the station got his hands on some letterhead from Texaco Oil company. How he got this idea I’ll never know, but it was inspirational.

He typed a letter on the letterhead addressed to the station's president, from the Executive Vice President of Texaco Oil. He made a copy of the letter and left the it where he knew nosy Foto would spot it. The gist of the letter was something like this... It's been a pleasure working with you and as a show of our appreciation, we would like to leave one of the oil tanks on the site of your new studio for your use and suggest that since they are light proof, they make excellent dark rooms. Of course, there is always the risk of an explosion. Well, Foto hit the ceiling. How could anyone even consider risking his life in an exploding dark room!? He straight away sent a letter to the Executive Vice President of Texaco, asking how he could even consider such a thing and demanding a full explanation or "you will hear from my attorney." One afternoon the station president, Fred, is sitting at his desk and the phone rings. It was the EVP of Texaco Oil wanting to know what the hell was going on down there. Fred, thinking it was some kind of joke, hung up on him. The phone rang again. This time it was the EVP and the corporate attorney. Of course, Fred immediately called Foto into the office to get to the bottom of this. The out wash was a huge laugh shared by all. The Texaco EVP thought it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. Unfortunately, Foto wasn't as amused, but he took it well, which made it even better.

I still laugh when I think about it. If you have one to share, please do.