Live from the Rapture

Sent from my iPhone:  I can't believe it.  First, I can't believe that I was part of the Rapture.  And, I can't believe what I'm experiencing.  A heavenly feeling like nothing before.  As reported previously, it's as if all the weight of worries and depression, even concern for trivial matters like eating, have simply vanished.

I don't know how long my cell phone will continue working or even if you are getting these reports, but I'm going to keep broadcasting in hopes that the unclean left behind will get this message and see the light.

When it first began, I must say, I was terrified.  My soul didn't leave my body rather, it's as if my body became my soul and I began to slowly rise into the sky.  My fear was quickly replaced by awe and wonder.  I could see other souls from all over rising with me and we began to come together as brethren.

I met this really cool chick along the way.  She said her name was Sunshine.  We agreed to try to stay close during our assent into Heaven and to hook up after we arrived.

Heaven wasn't like anything I expected.  There was no great "rapture" or joyfulness, but rather, it was sort of like entering a football stadium, the crowd slowly moving towards their assigned seating and cuing into their various gates.  I looked around, frantically trying to find Sunshine, but she was nowhere to be seen.  I had no control of, or desire to try to break ranks and go in a different direction, I simply accepted my fate and flowed with the crowd.

I was in a half-dream state and couldn't wait to meet my maker.  The excitement was almost more than I could bear.

I went down a long corridor, a corridor lined with beautiful luminescent colors that grew warmer as I went along.  I then noticed that not only were the colors growing warmer, but the temperature as well.  Was it a Holy Sauna?  Before me grew a bright white light.  The light beckoned.  It was irresistible. My heart raced with excitement.  I was going to meet my maker.  Eternal Rapture lay before me.

Suddenly, there she was.  What?!!  There SHE was?  EGADS... it was... HER!

THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE!  This can't be. Was this Liberal's hell?  

I knew I should've joined the teabaggers.